splat! - the transcript

me: i was traumatised by bubble gum bubbles as a chile

the blob says: i wasn't. parents wouldn't let us touch bubblegum

i say: (does it want to hear my story or is it going patter on about its own life?)

the blob says: (you patter. your turn.)
: (jupatter)
: (jupiter)
: (said the German)
: (be that as it may...)
: (we are all ears.)

i say: (after having patrick pattersoned to your heart's content)
i: so tehre i was, in calcutta
: a wee tot

the blob says: (that was a strange man)

i say: 5-6 years old
:(why?)

the blob says: (oh, that was Gladstone Small. sorry.)

i say: had never eaten bubble gumb before
:(i love calling people gladstone small!)
:(i'm going to call you gladstone small now!)
: so there were these neighbourhood kids

the blob says: (now she's announcing her insults?)

i say: brother's age
:(shh, gladdie)

the blob says: that ineffable age

i say: when they found out i'd never blown a bubble
: they gave me some "chingum"
: and asked me to chew
: i chewed, shrewdly
: and shrewd, chewedly
:then there was that whole complicated technique of blowing the bubble which i couldnt master
:once, the whole wad went flying through teh air

the blob says: heh

i say: so then tehy said (in silken tones)

the blob says: as you goggled at it

i say: this is the easy way
: took chewed gum
:stretched it over my mouth and told me to blow

the blob says: you've indubitably spent time amidst the most interesting people

i say: so it was a stretchy membrane over my mouth

the blob says: (mit silken tones. i don't think i've spent any time with anyone with silken tones)

the blob says: ew

i say: but i couldnt even ohfrabjousdaycalloohcalay
: cos there was chingum over my mouth
: and chestnuts in my hand. so when they asked me why i had chingum on my face, i said they were chestnuts, not chingum. and in my hand, not on my face. but (sigh) they couldn't understand what i was saying, cos i had chingum on my face.
: and then, having tired of this game
: they ripped it off my face
:(luckily the moustache wasnt in evidence then)
: and made a chingum necklace
: which i then put on
: many were the bitter tears i shed
: while trying to remove my chewedup jewellery
:and i still cant blow a bubble
:(and i NEVER chew gum to this day)