April 28, 2006

splat! - the transcript

me: i was traumatised by bubble gum bubbles as a chile

the blob says: i wasn't. parents wouldn't let us touch bubblegum

i say: (does it want to hear my story or is it going patter on about its own life?)

the blob says: (you patter. your turn.)
: (jupatter)
: (jupiter)
: (said the German)
: (be that as it may...)
: (we are all ears.)

i say: (after having patrick pattersoned to your heart's content)
i: so tehre i was, in calcutta
: a wee tot

the blob says: (that was a strange man)

i say: 5-6 years old

the blob says: (oh, that was Gladstone Small. sorry.)

i say: had never eaten bubble gumb before
:(i love calling people gladstone small!)
:(i'm going to call you gladstone small now!)
: so there were these neighbourhood kids

the blob says: (now she's announcing her insults?)

i say: brother's age
:(shh, gladdie)

the blob says: that ineffable age

i say: when they found out i'd never blown a bubble
: they gave me some "chingum"
: and asked me to chew
: i chewed, shrewdly
: and shrewd, chewedly
:then there was that whole complicated technique of blowing the bubble which i couldnt master
:once, the whole wad went flying through teh air

the blob says: heh

i say: so then tehy said (in silken tones)

the blob says: as you goggled at it

i say: this is the easy way
: took chewed gum
:stretched it over my mouth and told me to blow

the blob says: you've indubitably spent time amidst the most interesting people

i say: so it was a stretchy membrane over my mouth

the blob says: (mit silken tones. i don't think i've spent any time with anyone with silken tones)

the blob says: ew

i say: but i couldnt even ohfrabjousdaycalloohcalay
: cos there was chingum over my mouth
: and chestnuts in my hand. so when they asked me why i had chingum on my face, i said they were chestnuts, not chingum. and in my hand, not on my face. but (sigh) they couldn't understand what i was saying, cos i had chingum on my face.
: and then, having tired of this game
: they ripped it off my face
:(luckily the moustache wasnt in evidence then)
: and made a chingum necklace
: which i then put on
: many were the bitter tears i shed
: while trying to remove my chewedup jewellery
:and i still cant blow a bubble
:(and i NEVER chew gum to this day)

April 24, 2006

hum bhi agar bacche hote..

hum bhi agar bachhe hote
Naam hamara hota bubloo gubloo
khane ko milte laddu
aur duniya kehtee
heppy budday to you

April 18, 2006

the worst way to start a post

is with the words-
"you know what i REALLY hate about.."
it's whiney.
and boring.

and it's usually followed by "now don't get me wrong. i'm as tolerant as the next girl. but when it comes to.. "

be that as it may.

you know what i REALLY hate about going to a public bathroom? it's having people constantly turn the handle to try to get in. repeatedly. as if they expect that the inmate will have slipped through a warp in the space time continuum. and the bathroom will be theirs. forever. muahahaha.

now don't get me wrong. i'm as tolerant as the next intolerant girl. bathroom emergencies happen. they are a part of life. universal. verily hath the poet said:

breathes there a man with soul so dead
who never to himself hath said

the rest of the pome is not about bathroom emergencies. but you do see where i'm going with this?

so if it 'twere a b. emerg. say so! pound on the door! shout it out! we will evacuate the building.

but (and this is where it gets cunning) this happened to me in a gym bathroom. there's only one of them and it's primarily for clothes-changing. there are a myriad normal bathrooms right outside the gym. they're flushing themselves while waiting for your patronage.

so it's sheer impatience, innit? and the bathroom door handle jiggler, once done with the gym, no doubt gets behind the wheel and in traffic at a signal, with no traffic moving, unbuckles the seatbelt. gets up. and SITS on the horn. awaiting more sp. t. cont. warps.

what to do with such a person?

and what to do with the blogger who complains so much?

bastinadoes. and blueberry muffince respectively.

April 12, 2006

let he who is without sin stone the first cast

apparently, they're wailing, gnashing their teeth and throwing stones at vehicular traffic all over bangalore, because the "thespian", "dr"rajkumar is dead.
lumpen elements!

i baked a cake yesterday that was a bit of a lumpen element.

April 07, 2006

alfred hitchcock presents

alfie was really good at those hitchcockian moments.. in rear window, when jimmy stewart is sitting in the dark in his wheelchair and the baddie's* footsteps can be heard approaching.. and then jimmy can see the light under the door reduce..

marnie's got only one moment like that. when she's safe-robbing and doesnt see the cleaning lady. and then she does, and takes off her shoes and puts them into her coat pocket and tiptoes past. but (the horror, the horror!) a shoe is about to fall out of the pocket! you can see it edge out. she has no idea!

all the psycho babble in marnie apart, its so watchable because of its whole aura of a clean, well-dressed, slightly old-fashioned world. tippi hendren, sometimes credited as 'tippi' hendren, is always in suits with a gleaming bouffant and stuffing cash into her yellow leather handbag. and sean connery, who shurprishingly, he doeshnt shpeak like thish, is quite the hatted company big-pot. and there they are, watching horses race while a vaguely crafty sister in law watches tippi (or 'tippi') through the corner of her eyes.
that's the vag. cr. s-in-l's eyes. not tippi's. or 'tippi''s.

ohh, there's just something about hitchcock that takes you right back to the 60s, when men were real complex, strong jawed men, women were real tortured, spirited women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centuari were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

*i was 10 when i watched this. he was a baddie. humour me.